[Found this on alt.fan.tolkien - quite funny, I thought!]
What do you think of this satire?
it's at http://www.geocities.com/contraryadept/
but I'm posting the first part:
-----------------------
Lord of the Nukes
-----------------------
Three nukes for the french spooks under the sky
Seven for the russian lords in their halls of stone
Nine for british men doomed to die
One for the Dumb Lord on his dumb throne
In the land of Merica, where the shadows lie.
One nuke to rule them all, one nuke to find them
One nuke to bring them all and in the brightness fry them
In the land of Merica where the shadows lie.
-----------------------
Lord of the Nukes - Fellowship of the UN.
GANDJAQUES:
This is the One Nuke, forged by the Dumb Lord Bushaun.
There is evil stirring in Merica. The Power of the Nuke
has awoken.
BINFRODEN:
But Bushaun was destroyed. Gauron was elected!
GANDJAQUES:
No, BinFroden. Gaurons's recount did not endure. Bushaun has returned.
He needs only this Nuke to cover all the lands in darkness.
He is seeking it, seeking it, all his thought is bent on it.
BINFRODEN:
All right, we keep it hidden. Nobody knows it's
here... do they, Gandjaques?
GANDJAQUES:
There was one other. I looked everywhere for the creature
Collim, but the enemy found him first. Amid the endless screams
and inane babble, they heard two words: BinFroden. Sadm.
BINFRODEN:
BinFroden. Sadm. But that would lead them here!
what must I do?
GANDJAQUES:
Make for the village of ToraBria.
I must see the head of my order. Blairuman. He is both
powerful and wise. Trust me, he will know what
to do. ...Get down!
Confound it all, Sadm Gamssein, have you been eavesdropping?
SADM:
I ain't been dropping nothing, sir, honest. That is, I heard a
good deal about a nuke, and a Dumb Lord, and something about
the end of the world. Please don't hurt me, sir,
GANDJAQUES:
No? Perhaps not. I've thought of a better use for you.
-----------------------
BLAIRUMAN:
Smoke rises, the hour grows late, and Gandjaques the Chirac
rides to Isengardton seeking my council. For that is why
you have come, is it not, my old friend?
So the One Nuke has been found.
GANDJAQUES:
We still have time, time to counter Bushaun, if
we act quickly.
BLAIRUMAN:
Time? What time do you think we have?
He is gathering all evil to him. Very soon he
will have assembled an army large enough to
assault Mideast Earth.
GANDJAQUES:
You know this? How?
BLAIRUMAN:
(slyly) I have seen it. The hour is later than you think.
Bushaun's forces are already moving. Nine drivers crossed
the river Isen on midwinter's eve, disguised as weapons
inspectors. They will find the Nuke, and kill the one
who carries it.
GANDJAQUES:
BinFroden! Sadm!
BLAIRUMAN:
You did not truly think they could
contend with the will of Bushaun? There are none
who can. Against the might of Merica there can
be no victory. We must join him, Gandjaques. Join
with Bushaun. It would be wise, old friend.
GANDJAQUES:
Tell me, "friend", when did Blairuman the
Wise abandon reason for madness?
-----------------------
STCHRODER:
You draw far too much attention to yourself,
Mr. UnderMountain.
BINFRODEN:
What do you want?
STCHRODER:
A little more caution from you, that is no
plain weapon of mass destruction you carry.
BINFRODEN:
I carry nothing.
STCHRODER:
Indeed? I can avoid being seen if I wish, but
to disappear entirely - that is a rare gift.
Are you frightened?
BINFRODEN:
Yes.
STCHRODER:
Not nearly frightened enough. I know what
hunts you. They were once men. Great kings of men, but
Bushaun the Deceiver gave them foreign aid
and, blinded by their greed, they took
it without question. Now they are slaves to his will.
They are Aidwraiths, neither living nor
dead. At all times they crave Bushaun's aid.
They will never stop hunting you.
SADM:
Where are you taking us?
STCHRODER:
To UN-dell, the home of Annanrond.
-----------------------
ANNANROND:
Bushaun's forces are massing in the MidEast. His eye is fixed on
UN-dell. Now you tell me Blairuman has betrayed
us. The list of our allies grows thin.
GANDJAQUES:
His treachery goes deeper than you know.
He is breeding an army in the caverns of
Isengardton.
ANNANROND:
This evil cannot be concealed by the power UN-dell.
We do not have the strength to stand against Bushaun
and Blairuman both. This peril belongs to all
Mideast Earth, and they must decide now how to end it.
Strangers from distant lands, friends of old.
You are summoned here to answer the threat of
Merica. Mideast Earth stands on the brink of
destruction. Bring forth the nuke, BinFroden.
BLADOMIR:
It is a gift, a gift to the foes of Merica.
Why not use this Nuke? Long has my father, the
Steward of the Kingdom of Gondorussia kept the
forces of Merica at bay. By the blood of my
comrades are your lands kept safe. Give Gondorussia
the weapon of the enemy. Let the people use
it against him.
STCHRODER:
You cannot detonate it. None of us can.
GANDJAQUES:
Ar-gerhart is right. We cannot control it.
ANNANROND:
We have but one choice. The nuke must be destroyed.
ZEMNI:
Well what are we waiting for?
ANNANROND:
The nuke cannot be disarmed, Zemni son of Mau,
by any craft that we here possess. It must be taken deep into
Merica, and cast back whence it came. One of you must do this.
BINFRODEN:
I will take the nuke to Merica. Though I do
not know the way.
GANDJAQUES:
I will help you bear this burden for as long
as it is yours to bear.
STCHRODER:
If by my life or my death I can protect you, I
will. You have my veto.
ZEMNI:
And my veto.
LEKALAM:
And my veto.
BLADOMIR:
You carry the fate of us all, little one. But
if this is truly the will of the people,
the Kingdom of Gondorussia will give its veto.
SADM:
Here! Mr. BinFroden's not going anywhere without my veto.
ANNANROND:
Five vetos. So be it. You shall be the Fellowship of the UN.
-----------------------
BINFRODEN:
There's something down there.
GANDJAQUES:
It's Collim. He's been following us for three
days.
BINFRODEN:
He escaped from the dungeons of Barad-durington!
GANDJAQUES:
Escaped, or was set loose. Collim hates and
loves weapons of mass destruction, as he hates and
loves himself. He will never be free of them.
BINFRODEN:
Pity anybody didn't kill him when he they had the
chance.
GANDJAQUES:
Many who live deserve death, and some who die
deserve life. Can you give it to them? Do not
be too eager to deal out death in judgment.
My heart tells me Collim still has a part to
play, for good or ill.
-----------------------
BLADOMIR:
What is this new devilry?
GANDJAQUES:
A Balrogowitz. A demon of the republican world. This
foe is beyond any of you. Run!
Lead them on Ar-gerhart! Do as I say!
Vetos are no more use here!
GANDJAQUES:
YOU CANNOT PASS!
BINFRODEN:
Gandjaques!
GANDJAQUES:
I am a servant of Old Europe, wielder of
the flame of France! Propaganda shall not avail
you, flame of Oh-dum!
Go back to the shadow! Your resolutions shall not
pass!
Fly, you fools!
BINFRODEN:
Nooooo!
-----------------------
MEGAWATRIEL:
I know what it is you have seen, for it is
also in my mind. It is what will come to pass
if you should fail. The Fellowship of the UN is breaking.
Already it has begun.
BINFRODEN:
If you ask it of me, I will give you the One Nuke.
MEGAWATRIEL:
You offer it to me freely. I do not deny that
my heart has greatly desired this.
Instead of a Dumb Lord, you would have a
queen, not dumb but beautiful and terrible as
the dawn!
I passed the test. I will diminish, not fry
the west, and remain Megawatriel.
BINFRODEN:
I cannot do this alone.
MEGAWATRIEL:
You are a Nukebearer, BinFroden. To bear a nuke of
power is to hide alone. Even the smallest terrorist can
change the course of the future.
-----------------------
BLAIRUMAN:
Do you know how specialf orcses first came into being?
They were soldiers once, taken by the dumb powers,
tortured, mutilated. And now perfected, my fighting UK-hai.
Whom do you serve?
UK-HAI:
Blairuman.
BLAIRUMAN:
Hunt them down. You do not know pain, you do not
know fear! One of the thirdworldlings carries
something of great value. Bring them to me alive,
and unspoiled! Kill the others.
-----------------------
BLADOMIR:
None of us should wander alone, you least of
all. So much depends on you. BinFroden? I know why
you seek solitude. Be sure you do not suffer needlessly.
Why do you recoil? I am no thief.
BINFRODEN:
You are not yourself.
BLADOMIR:
I ask only for the strength to defend the
people! If you would but lend me the nuke...
BINFRODEN:
No!
BLADOMIR:
I see your mind! You would defect to Merica!
You go to your death, and the death of us all! Curse you!
Curse all you thirdworldlings!
BinFroden? BinFroden? What have I done? BinFroden, I'm
sorry!
-----------------------
SADM:
Mr. BinFroden! Mr. BinFroden!
BINFRODEN:
No, Sadm. Go back... I'm going to Merica alone!
SADM
Of course you are, and I'm coming with you!
BINFRODEN:
You can't swim! Sadm!
SADM:
I made a promise, Mr. BinFroden. A jihad. Don't
you leave him, Sadm Gamssein, and I don't mean
to. I don't mean to.
BINFRODEN:
Merica. I hope the others find a safer road.
I don't suppose we'll ever see them again.
SADM
We may yet, Mr. BinFroden. We may.
BINFRODEN
Sadm, I'm glad you're with me.
THE END
Lord of the Nukes
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The Twin Towers
Lord of the Nukes
-----------------------
Three nukes for the french spooks under the sky
Seven for the russian lords in their halls of stone
Nine for british men doomed to die
One for the Dumb Lord on his dumb throne
In the land of Merica, where the shadows lie.
One nuke to rule them all, one nuke to find them
One nuke to bring them all and in the brightness fry them
In the land of Merica where the shadows lie.
-----------------------
Lord of the Nukes - the Twin Towers
BLAIRUMAN:
The world is changing. Who now has the power
to speak against the might of Bushaun and
Blairuman in light of the twin towers. Together,
Lord Bushaun, we shall rule this Mideast-Earth.
A new order will rise. We will drive the machinery
of war with words of fear and the iron fist of the press.
(to the mob)
The terrorists have shaken your lands. They are a people
that live in the hills and scratch a living off rocks.
MOB:
Murderers!
BLAIRUMAN:
Bomb every village! It will begin in Rohaque.
Too long have these peasants stood against you.
But no more.
-----------------------
E-HOMENI:
What business does a German, a Indian, and a Chinaman
have in the Persiamark? Speak quickly!
ZEMNI:
Give me your name, turban-master, and I shall
give you mine.
E-HOMENI:
I would cut off your head, sir Chinaman, if it stood but a little
higher from the ground.
LEKALAM:
You would die before your stroke fell!
STCHRODER:
I am Ar-gerhart, son of Helmut. This is Zemni,
son of Mau, and Lekalam from the Indian realm.
We are friends of Rohaque and of Theoddam, its King.
E-HOMENI:
Theoddam no longer recognizes friend from foe.
Blairuman has poisoned the mind of the king and
claimed an embargo over this land. My company
are those loyal to Rohaque. And for that,
we are banished.
Look for friends, but do not trust to hope.
It has forsaken these lands.
-----------------------------
GUARD:
I cannot allow you before Theoddam-King so armed,
Gandjacques Chirac.
Your staff.
GANDJAQUES:
Oh. You would not part a politican from his
office staff.
The courtesy of your hall is somewhat lessened of late,
Theoddam-King.
THEODDAM:
Why should I welcome you, Gandjaques Stormfrog?
GANDJAQUES:
Theoddam-King, too long have your people sat in hunger.
I release you from this embargo.
THEODDAM:
Hahaha! You have no power here Ganjaques
the Chirac. Haha!
GANDJAQUES:
I shall write you, Blairuman, as ink is drawn from a well.
(text messaging).
BLAIRUMAN:
<Rohaque is mine!>
GANDJAQUES:
<be vetoed!>
(to Theoddoam)
Breath easy, there's free trade again, my friend.
-----------------------------
COLLIM:
We wants it, we needs it. Must have the fissiousss.
They stole it from us. Yess, fissiousss.
They will deceive you, delay you, deny you!
SMEOWELL:
The thirdworldlings are my friends.
COLLIM:
You don't have any friends...
none of the republicans like YOU.
SMEOWELL:
Not listening. Not listening.
COLLIM:
You're a diplomat. And a democrat!
SMEOWELL:
No.
COLLIM:
C-o-m-p-r-o-m-i-s-e-r!
SMEOWELL:
Go away. I hate you, I hate you.
COLLIM:
Where would you be without me?
I saved us. It was ME.
We were appointed because of ME!
SMEOWELL:
Not anymore.
COLLIM:
What did you say?
SMEOWELL:
The polls are good for us now. We don't need you.
COLLIM:
What?
SMEOWELL:
Leave now and never come back.
COLLIM:
No!
SMEOWELL:
Leave now and never come back!
COLLIM:
Ahrrrrh!
SMEOWELL:
LEAVE NOW AND NEVER COME BACK!
We told him to go away! And away he goes, fissiousss.
Gone, gone, gone, Smeowell is free!
-----------------------------
GRIMSFELD:
BagDheep has but one weakness.
The outer wall is solid rock but
for a small culvert in space which is little more
than room for a man.
But how? What kind of agent can bypass the wall?
BLAIRUMAN:
If the wall is breached, Rohaque will fall.
GRIMSFELD:
Even if it is breached, it would take a number of
agents beyond reckoning, a number with many 0's to
storm the wall.
BLAIRUMAN:
Many double 0's.
A new power is rising. Its victory is at hand.
This night the land will be stained with the blood of
Rohaque! Leave none alive! To war!
There will be no dawn for many.
-----------------------------
STCHRODER:
Scribes, clerics, librarians. These are no politicians.
ZEMNI:
Most have seen too many arguments.
LEKALAM:
Or too few. Look at them. They're frightened.
I can see it in their eyes. And they should be.
They cannot win this debate. They are all going to
be crushed.
STCHRODER:
Then I shall be crushed as one them!
GUARD:
Everyone able to write a resolution has been sent
to the library. My lord?
THEODDAM:
Where is the scribe and the envoy? Where's the
white flag that that was blowing? The protests
have gone down in the west, behind the hills,
into shadow. How did it come to this?
---------------------------------
THEODDAM:
The resolution is taken. It is over.
STCHRODER:
You said this resolution would never pass
while your diplomats amended it. They have
tried amending it! They still amend it!
Is there no other way for these subclauses
and appendices to enter the resolution?
Is there no other way?
GUARD:
There is one passage. It speaks of armistice.
But it will not get far. The lawyers are too many.
STCHRODER:
Send word for the writers and scribes to make way
for the armistice passage. And white out the index!
THEODDAM:
So many sheets. What can men do against such
messy handwriting?
STCHRODER:
Write it out with me. Write it out and meet with them.
THEODDAM:
Four copies?
STCHRODER:
Four in ROHAQUI!
THEODDAM:
Yes. Yes! The Tongue of Rohaque shall be written
down on the sheet one last time.
---------------------------------
GANDJAQUES:
Bushaun's wrath will be terrible, his
translators swift. The debate over Rohaque is over.
The battle for Mideast-Earth is about to begin. All our
hopes now lie with two little thirdworldlings,
Somewhere in the wild.
---------------------------------
SADM:
I wonder if we'll ever be put into songs or tales.
I wonder if people will ever say, "let's hear
about BinFroden and the Nuke". And they'll say,
"yes, that's one of my favorite stories. BinFroden
was really courageous, wasn't he, dad? Yes, my boy,
the most famousest of terrorists". And that's
saying A LOT.
BINFRODEN:
You left out one of the chief characters.
Sadm the Brave. I want to hear more about Sadm.
BinFroden wouldn't have got far without Sadm.
SADM:
Now Mr. BinFroden, you shouldn't make fun.
I was being serious.
BINFRODEN:
So was I.
THE END
Lord of the Nukes
-----------------------
Three nukes for the french spooks under the sky
Seven for the russian lords in their halls of stone
Nine for british men doomed to die
One for the Dumb Lord on his dumb throne
In the land of Merica, where the shadows lie.
One nuke to rule them all, one nuke to find them
One nuke to bring them all and in the brightness fry them
In the land of Merica where the shadows lie.
-----------------------
Lord of the Nukes - the Twin Towers
BLAIRUMAN:
The world is changing. Who now has the power
to speak against the might of Bushaun and
Blairuman in light of the twin towers. Together,
Lord Bushaun, we shall rule this Mideast-Earth.
A new order will rise. We will drive the machinery
of war with words of fear and the iron fist of the press.
(to the mob)
The terrorists have shaken your lands. They are a people
that live in the hills and scratch a living off rocks.
MOB:
Murderers!
BLAIRUMAN:
Bomb every village! It will begin in Rohaque.
Too long have these peasants stood against you.
But no more.
-----------------------
E-HOMENI:
What business does a German, a Indian, and a Chinaman
have in the Persiamark? Speak quickly!
ZEMNI:
Give me your name, turban-master, and I shall
give you mine.
E-HOMENI:
I would cut off your head, sir Chinaman, if it stood but a little
higher from the ground.
LEKALAM:
You would die before your stroke fell!
STCHRODER:
I am Ar-gerhart, son of Helmut. This is Zemni,
son of Mau, and Lekalam from the Indian realm.
We are friends of Rohaque and of Theoddam, its King.
E-HOMENI:
Theoddam no longer recognizes friend from foe.
Blairuman has poisoned the mind of the king and
claimed an embargo over this land. My company
are those loyal to Rohaque. And for that,
we are banished.
Look for friends, but do not trust to hope.
It has forsaken these lands.
-----------------------------
GUARD:
I cannot allow you before Theoddam-King so armed,
Gandjacques Chirac.
Your staff.
GANDJAQUES:
Oh. You would not part a politican from his
office staff.
The courtesy of your hall is somewhat lessened of late,
Theoddam-King.
THEODDAM:
Why should I welcome you, Gandjaques Stormfrog?
GANDJAQUES:
Theoddam-King, too long have your people sat in hunger.
I release you from this embargo.
THEODDAM:
Hahaha! You have no power here Ganjaques
the Chirac. Haha!
GANDJAQUES:
I shall write you, Blairuman, as ink is drawn from a well.
(text messaging).
BLAIRUMAN:
<Rohaque is mine!>
GANDJAQUES:
<be vetoed!>
(to Theoddoam)
Breath easy, there's free trade again, my friend.
-----------------------------
COLLIM:
We wants it, we needs it. Must have the fissiousss.
They stole it from us. Yess, fissiousss.
They will deceive you, delay you, deny you!
SMEOWELL:
The thirdworldlings are my friends.
COLLIM:
You don't have any friends...
none of the republicans like YOU.
SMEOWELL:
Not listening. Not listening.
COLLIM:
You're a diplomat. And a democrat!
SMEOWELL:
No.
COLLIM:
C-o-m-p-r-o-m-i-s-e-r!
SMEOWELL:
Go away. I hate you, I hate you.
COLLIM:
Where would you be without me?
I saved us. It was ME.
We were appointed because of ME!
SMEOWELL:
Not anymore.
COLLIM:
What did you say?
SMEOWELL:
The polls are good for us now. We don't need you.
COLLIM:
What?
SMEOWELL:
Leave now and never come back.
COLLIM:
No!
SMEOWELL:
Leave now and never come back!
COLLIM:
Ahrrrrh!
SMEOWELL:
LEAVE NOW AND NEVER COME BACK!
We told him to go away! And away he goes, fissiousss.
Gone, gone, gone, Smeowell is free!
-----------------------------
GRIMSFELD:
BagDheep has but one weakness.
The outer wall is solid rock but
for a small culvert in space which is little more
than room for a man.
But how? What kind of agent can bypass the wall?
BLAIRUMAN:
If the wall is breached, Rohaque will fall.
GRIMSFELD:
Even if it is breached, it would take a number of
agents beyond reckoning, a number with many 0's to
storm the wall.
BLAIRUMAN:
Many double 0's.
A new power is rising. Its victory is at hand.
This night the land will be stained with the blood of
Rohaque! Leave none alive! To war!
There will be no dawn for many.
-----------------------------
STCHRODER:
Scribes, clerics, librarians. These are no politicians.
ZEMNI:
Most have seen too many arguments.
LEKALAM:
Or too few. Look at them. They're frightened.
I can see it in their eyes. And they should be.
They cannot win this debate. They are all going to
be crushed.
STCHRODER:
Then I shall be crushed as one them!
GUARD:
Everyone able to write a resolution has been sent
to the library. My lord?
THEODDAM:
Where is the scribe and the envoy? Where's the
white flag that that was blowing? The protests
have gone down in the west, behind the hills,
into shadow. How did it come to this?
---------------------------------
THEODDAM:
The resolution is taken. It is over.
STCHRODER:
You said this resolution would never pass
while your diplomats amended it. They have
tried amending it! They still amend it!
Is there no other way for these subclauses
and appendices to enter the resolution?
Is there no other way?
GUARD:
There is one passage. It speaks of armistice.
But it will not get far. The lawyers are too many.
STCHRODER:
Send word for the writers and scribes to make way
for the armistice passage. And white out the index!
THEODDAM:
So many sheets. What can men do against such
messy handwriting?
STCHRODER:
Write it out with me. Write it out and meet with them.
THEODDAM:
Four copies?
STCHRODER:
Four in ROHAQUI!
THEODDAM:
Yes. Yes! The Tongue of Rohaque shall be written
down on the sheet one last time.
---------------------------------
GANDJAQUES:
Bushaun's wrath will be terrible, his
translators swift. The debate over Rohaque is over.
The battle for Mideast-Earth is about to begin. All our
hopes now lie with two little thirdworldlings,
Somewhere in the wild.
---------------------------------
SADM:
I wonder if we'll ever be put into songs or tales.
I wonder if people will ever say, "let's hear
about BinFroden and the Nuke". And they'll say,
"yes, that's one of my favorite stories. BinFroden
was really courageous, wasn't he, dad? Yes, my boy,
the most famousest of terrorists". And that's
saying A LOT.
BINFRODEN:
You left out one of the chief characters.
Sadm the Brave. I want to hear more about Sadm.
BinFroden wouldn't have got far without Sadm.
SADM:
Now Mr. BinFroden, you shouldn't make fun.
I was being serious.
BINFRODEN:
So was I.
THE END
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