jokes!

[Badger]

I don't think I'd have found it funny even then.

[orudge]

It's been a while...

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the post through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £500.

At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat gold box.

The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, bacon, sausage, blueberry waffles, and freshly-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five pounds for?"

Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you". He said, "Screw him. Give him five pounds."

She smiled prettily. "The breakfast was my idea."

[buckethead]

A blonde guy asks his blonde friend: "Here's a dollar for a coffee, here's a dollar for a newspaper. Can you get them for me please?", the friend goes away, comes back and asks: "Wait. Which dollar is for the coffee and which dollar is for the newspaper?"

[orudge]

A motorist stopped at a country ford and asked an Irishman sitting nearby how deep the water was. "A couple of inches." replied the Irishman.

So the motorist drove into the ford and his car promptly disappeared beneath the surface in a cauldron of bubbles.

"That's odd" thought the Irishman. "The water only goes halfway up on them ducks."


--


My mates called me stingy so I decided to buy them a beer.

Turns out they wanted one each.

[buckethead]

A motorist stopped at a country ford and asked an Irishman sitting nearby how deep the water was. "A couple of inches." replied the Irishman.

So the motorist drove into the ford and his car promptly disappeared beneath the surface in a cauldron of bubbles.

"That's odd" thought the Irishman. "The water only goes halfway up on them ducks."

Ducks! Nice one!

[Tracer bullet]

A man was walking down the street and saw two dumb blonds working hard. The first one dug a hole and then the second one filled it up. The man watched them do this for a couple of hours. So then he felt compelled to ask them what they were doing. He asked the first dumb blond why they were just making a hole and filling it up. So she said "Well normally there is a third person who plants the trees, but she called in sick today."

[Ameecher]

Luckily we don't get too much of this here but I think we all recognise it

How many forum members does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

1 to move it to the Lighting section.

2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section.

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

5 to flame the spell checkers.

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames.

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to
condemn those 6 as stupid.

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp".

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb"
is perfectly correct.

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this
discussion to a lightbulb forum.

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs
and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum.

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy
the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique
and what brands are faulty.

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected
URL's.

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this
group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all
headers and signatures, and add "Me too".

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot
handle the light bulb controversy.

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about
light bulbs".

18 who trip over each other in their rush to say "repost!"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

[Railwaymodeler]

That was pretty good! Very glad we don't have that here.

Anyway, here's a railroading joke:

Out in the roundhouse in upstate New York, an engineer was ready to board his locomotive. At this time, he decided he didn't want to do his run, so he thought and concocted a story for his supervisor.

"I have a haunted locomotive- I don't want to take it out today- I can't take it out today."

"Nonsense!" bellowed the supervisor. "All you have, is an Erie-Lackawana!"

[Chrill]

Railwaymodeler, we do have that here, not in the same numbers but in most topics regarding an item or similar, we get that. see, I'm doing one of the roles right now

"6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to
condemn those 6 as stupid."

You argue that we dont have it, I condemn you as stupid!

[petert]

I happen to be an industry professional, and the proper term is actually "idiotic".

[Chrill]

Look, I've been in the industry, so to speak, and it's perfectly fine to use the word stupid

[petert]

We are getting quite OT here, please continue the disscussion in the light bu....err....off-topic section!

[TheSpeedy09]

Hi,

Luckily we don't get too much of this here but I think we all recognise it

How many forum members does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

1 to move it to the Lighting section.

2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section.

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

5 to flame the spell checkers.

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames.

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to
condemn those 6 as stupid.

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp".

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb"
is perfectly correct.

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this
discussion to a lightbulb forum.

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs
and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum.

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy
the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique
and what brands are faulty.

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected
URL's.

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this
group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all
headers and signatures, and add "Me too".

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot
handle the light bulb controversy.

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about
light bulbs".

18 who trip over each other in their rush to say "repost!"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

@Ameecher
Nice one. But could it be that this is the same like this: http://www.locomotion-fanpage.net/forum ... eadid=3854

[Badger]

Different forum so why does it even matter?

[John]

Different forum so why does it even matter?

Me too!


*cough*

The German one does actually have some differences (or additions), such as

3 to argue on the best way to shake the lightbulb so that the filament wires re-connect
12 to argue that the light bulb blowing is the result of a higher power.

[XeryusTC]

20 members to argue about a post in the joke topic

[John]

In the village I am from in the Cotswolds, UK there was a dear old lady called Pat who used to live at the top of the hill. She was rather well known in the village for her good repertoire of limericks. One day my mum visited her and asked her to write down as many of the limericks as she could remember. She sadly passed away in the autumn this year, and I decided to post these online in her honour.


Pat’s Limericks

There was an old man from Australia,
Who painted his arse like a dahlia,
Twopence a smell was all very well,
But fourpence a lick was a failure.

There was a young girl from Cape Cod,
Who believed in conception by God,
But it wasn’t the Almighty,
Who lifted her nightie,
It was Roger the lodger, the sod.

A gorgeous young damsel from Chichester,
Made all the saints in their niches stir,
One morning at Matins,
All dressed in her satins,
She made the Bishop of Chichester’s breeches stir.

There was a young man from St. Paul’s,
Who was very well known on the halls,
His favourite trick was to stand on his dick,
And roll off the stage on his balls.

There was a young lawyer named Rex,
Who had very small organs of sex,
When charged with exposure,
He replied with composure,
“De Minimis non curat lex.” (The law does not bother with trifles)

There was a young man from Bulgaria,
Who peed down a Belgrave Square area (basement)
“Oh do come and look”
Said the maid to the cook,
“It’s longer than master’s, and hairier”.

A lovely young lady, Miss Coleshill,
Inadvertently sat on a mole hill,
The resident mole,
Put his nose in her hole,
Now Miss Coleshill’s all right, but the mole’s ill.

There was an old Sultan of Algiers,
Who said to his harem: “My dears,
“You may think it odd of me,
“But I’ve given up sodomy,
“And it’s f*** tonight. Three cheers!”

There was a young pirate named Bates,
Who could dance the fandango on skates,
Till he fell on his cutlass,
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.

There was a young girl from Seville,
Who played with dynamite for a thrill,
They found her vagina
In North Carolina,
And bits of her tits in Brazil.

There was a young student from John's
Who wanted to bugger the swans,
Said the loyal hall porter,
"Sir, please take my daughter,
"Those swans are reserved for the Dons."



JOKES ETC

Under every ponytail there’s an arsehole.

xxxxxxxx

When two humans make love it spells OXO

xxxxxxxx

What’s the difference between a randy dwarf Eskimo and a Eunuch?
One is: A frigid midget with a rigid digit
The other: A massive vassal,
With a passive tassel

xxxxxxxxx


What’s the difference between a limpet and a Swiss Admiral?
One is a sucker who never fails
The other a ----cker who never sails

xxxxxxxxx

Here’s to the girl who lives on the hill,
She won’t but her sister will.
Here’s to her sister!

Here’s to the first time I met you,
Here’s to the first time I met you and didn’t let you.
Here’s to the first time I met you and let you,
And wished that I’d let you the first time I met you!


Not bad for an 86 year old woman!

[Bad Hair Day]

Under every ponytail there’s an arsehole.

As long haired muppet, I feel inclined to take offence. : D

Found it pretty funny actually.

[Chrill]

Two forks were sitting in a sauna. Then, one of them said "It's hot in this sauna". The other replied "Yes".

Sven was out walking in the mountains. When he stopped to look at a pine tree, a giant rhinoceros fell down on top of him. Sven got real upset and told the rhinoceros to watch where he falls down in the future.

Two pencil sharpeners were out flying when one of them struck a lamp post. However, that didn't matter, cus its mother worked at IKEA.

Two t-shirts were walking down the highway. After a while, they spotted a radiator on fire. One t-shirt shouted "I'm gunna save the radiator", but the other t-shirt said "No. Don't".

[Ameecher]

Lost in translation?