jokes!

[APDAF]

A congressman was seated in first class next to a little girl on an airplane. He turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming, universal health care or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care or the economy when you don't know crap?"

Then she went back to reading her book.

[noofnoof]

I suppose it's to do with how much water is extracted from the food by the different digestive systems. The more watery, the bigger the clumps, the drier, the more pelletised.

[EXTspotter]

This is not necessarily true. The mammalian gut will take up as much water from the gut as is physically possible (almost 100%) because water is commonly used as a cotransporter to other molecules such as Glucose and Na+ (this is another reason why water intake is not really a major constituent of total body water control, as it is not controlled by the body, which will just take in almost all of it, the only time when it is important is when someone is not taking in any food or fluid. As an extra aside water levels in the body are controlled by osmoreceptors which try to maintain the body's extracellular fluid at 290 (+/-5) Osmoles (a measure of osmotic pressure), with lower values insitgating a thirst response and higher values an excretion response), in this way faecal matter has a very low water content. The level of wateriness of a stool is more to do with the colonisation of the gut by bacteria. In a healthy state with a large variety of organisms, the gut will work in the way it should, producing low water content faecal matter. In a disrupted system, e.g. one with one bacterial species colonising the entire gut, the processes which occur in chains between different species are disrupted and some nutrients are not created or taken up. In some circumstances, microorganisms can disrupt the osmotic pressure, drawing water from cells into the extracellular fluid and then into the gut.

Well I am counting that as revision. So there.

[Voyager One]

Christiano Ronaldo and Lionel Messi bump on each other on thursday...

Messi: "Hey, how are you doing?"
Ronaldo: "Fine, thanks! So we'll see each other in the finals, won't we?"
Messi: "Oh yeah, for sure. I can't wait!"
Ronaldo: "So, we'll be watching it at my place or yours?"

[Pilot]

Hahahahahaha. Though I don't think Lionel Messi and Christiano Ronaldo would be mates.

[Ameecher]

The very notion that Ronaldo has any friends is laughable for me.

[Voyager One]

Come on both of you, that's beyond the point!

However, you're both most likely right.

[Pilot]

The very notion that Ronaldo has any friends is laughable for me.

Yeah, they give him a Friendly Pat of the back and he Dives, they'll think he's wierd

[Voyager One]

All police forces have been invited to the Police Expo somewhere in Arabia and among other things they've been given a prize game - every team should go into the desert, survive and bring back a camel!

After two days, the Croatian team returns as first, bringing an elephant, all bruised, bloody and battered.

Organizers: "Sorry guys, but this isn't valid, this is an elephant, not a camel."
The elephant: "NO, NO, WAIT, I CONFESS, I'M A CAMEL, I'M A CAMEL!"

[Comm Cody]

Also done with the LAPD and the NYPD.

Nothing about Chicago except for bribery jokes.

[Griff]

Alan Fry.

[Railwaymodeler]

Also done with the LAPD and the NYPD.

Nothing about Chicago except for bribery jokes.

With current events in my area, the North Chicago Police Department may be used in that joke.

Lots of Chicago bribery jokes, after all, being in Crook, err, Cook county, that's going to happen!

[EXTspotter]

Alan Fry.

Funniest joke I've seen for a long time.

[Nawdic]

Alan Fry.

Funniest joke I've seen for a long time.

Ha! I lol'd.

[orudge]

Q: How did the hipster burn his mouth?

A: He bit into his pizza before it was cool.

[Drury]

A group of Slovaks travel for work in Ireland, to paint a house. Being true Slovaks, each one of them has to down a bottle of vodka before doing the job, as per tradition. However, unfortunately, they couldn't afford it. So they sold the paint and used still wet brush to paint the house owner's horse's mouth.

When the owner comes to check in on the progress, he asks:

"What's the matter, why have you not yet done anything yet?"

"It's the horse, he drank the paint"

The owner takes out a gun and shoots the horse in the head.

"What the hell man, why...?"

"The stupid horse was bloody useless, that's why. Last week I had Polish bricklayers working here and the idiot ate 70 pounds of cement!"

[Drury]

The first woman on the Moon calls Houston:

"Houston, we have a problem!"
"Go on..."
"Nevermind"
"What happened?"
"Let it be"
"Come on, tell me..."
"No"

[Drury]

QA engineer walks into a bar. Orders a beer. Orders 0 beers. Orders 9999999 beers. Orders beer^beer. Orders a lizard. Orders a sdjvrksf. Orders -1 beers. Orders beer/0. Orders

A customer walks into the bar. Asks where the bathroom is. Bar bursts into flames, killing everyone.

[Voyager One]

What's the similarity between the Titanic and Dejan Lovren?

The should have both stayed in Southampton...

[lukasz1985]

Oh copper and zinc, I've forgot to iron!