jokes!

[Ameecher]

I got a knock on the door from the police today. The officer said "It looks like your wife has been in an accident"
I replied, "she's got a lovely personality though."

[Drury]

I was visiting my wife in hospital because she has a wounded leg.
The doctor said, "Can you describe what happened please?"
I said, "Well, she got shot."
He said, "You'll have to be more accurate."
I said, "I know, but I'm not very experienced with guns."

[Voyager One]

GREAT ONE!

Here's are two similar:

Do you know the definition of the 'Stereo surround'?
When your wife and your mother-in-law speak simultaneously.


"Daddy, daddy, why is grandma staggering in the yard?"
"Son, shut up and give me more ammo!"

[Voyager One]

Son: "Dad, is a Ferrari a red car with a horse?"
Dad: "Of course, why do you ask?"
Son: "I think it's trying to overtake us..."

[welshdragon]

*phones the RSPCA*

[Drury]

Err, no, that's alright.

I know what I'm talking about

Just look a bit closer, it's upside down Slovak number plate. You can see "SK" written in upper right corner.



Not sure if I should tell you about Slovak Porche...

[Voyager One]

*phones the RSPCA*

Just to make sure, that wasn't me!

[orudge]

Hans In The Brothel

Hans, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Hans. The sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.

So she goes over to Hans and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.

Hans leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Euros?"

[Daan Timmer]

haha

[Voyager One]

Absolutely brilliant!!!

[oberhümer]

I felt like rolling out this old one.
- How do our politicians cross the Atlantic?







- Fly there, row back.

[Level Crossing]

A atom walks into a bar.
The atom says to the bartender "Hey, I lost an electron!"
The bartender says, "Are you sure?"
The atom says "Yes, I'm positive!"

Terrible joke.

Another one, no offense intended.

A new group was formed one day. It was called:

Dyslexics of the world untie!

[Voyager One]

A dark one...

How many people can you fit into a barrel?

A LOT... with a small help from a Nuke.

[Chrill]

Another one, no offense intended.

A new group was formed one day. It was called:

Dyslexics of the world untie!

Another joke in the same vein goes a little like this:

What does IFPD stand for?

The International Dyslexics Foundation

[Jacko]

Tee hee my first go:

Some bloke walks up to me and he says he sells houses

Bloke: wanna sell your house?
Me: OK
Bloke: what colour are your walls
Me: Off-white
Bloke: how far off white?
Me: Green

Eventually i sold the house for £100,000. Thats great because i was renting.

[John]

Tee hee my first go:

Some bloke walks up to me and he says he sells houses

Surely he would be buying houses?

And did I miss the punch line?

[Comm Cody]

Time for Gallows/Black Humor.

A IED is a way to enforce the speed limit. If you were hit, you weren't going fast enough.

[Voyager One]

A brave knight come home after several days, completely drunk and carrying a duck. His wife jump out a starts shouting at him: "WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU?!? A LOOK AT YOURSELF, YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN!!!"

The knight: "You see? THIS is the evil dragon I have to fight every --- single --- day!"
Wife: "WHAT DRAGON?!? THAT'S A DUCK!!!"
The knight: "Oh shut up woman. I was talking to the duck."

[Jacko]

Tee hee my first go:

Some bloke walks up to me and he says he sells houses

Surely he would be buying houses?

And did I miss the punch line?

no he's an estate agent
shouldve said that.

@Voyager One - Awesome!

[APDAF]

Look at what I found.

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."