I am frustrated and cannot express myself correctly

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acs121
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I am frustrated and cannot express myself correctly

Post by acs121 » 13 Aug 2019 22:20

Most of it isn't really relevant, so I'm gonna keep it to these forums.

I don't know if that's just me or if others think that too, but I have the feeling that I'm simply not welcome on this forum. Some members of the community left the forums or almost abandoned them just because of me. I received personal attacks and almost aggressive messages from those members. Although I do admit I may be unnerving sometimes, in most cases, I simply didn't understand anything about what people were saying, the context and situation and even taking time to respond isn't helping me.

Also, be it on forums or IRL I really cannot express myself correctly. I don't know why, even by taking time to read again and again my message, I'm still thinking that "I understand so other will understand too" and so I generally ridiculise myself without wanting to be ridiculed.

I thought I was toxic and useless for some time just because all I did (and all I still do) is suggestions, because I've tried and tried to code and make sprites for my own creations in OpenTTD, but I'm just frustrated with that. In my head it was like "why the hell does everyone create their own content but I never managed to do it" and I forced myself to create stuff just because others had created too. And again, I'm frustrated about licenses and creating something and maintaining it.

And mostly, I really thought I was toxic for a long time and I did think for some time I was a pain. So I decided to take a break from these forums for, like, 3 months. And I did it. However, I don't know why but unconsciously I'm still convinced that I'm toxic for some reason.

So I'm posting this to know how honest people are and if I'm just stupid and think I'm toxic for no reason or if I really am.

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Re: I am frustrated and cannot express myself correctly

Post by Olim » 13 Aug 2019 23:05

Why you just don't kick their sorry butts?
Toxic. You're not toxic. Toxic are waste dumps. You may be mudack (almost obscene word in russian that means rude and egocentric person), but not poisonous. Forget this word for humans. When human is toxic, he's already dead.
We are all have misunderstandings, stupid people think you're stupid when they cannot understand you. Anyway, you also can be stupid, you're living in free country, yes?

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Re: I am frustrated and cannot express myself correctly

Post by Expresso » 13 Aug 2019 23:21

No, you're not a toxic person. I've had my dealings with you and, while you sometimes do strange things, you're not affecting me in a negative way.

From what you share, I get the impression of autism, maybe something similar. Perhaps it's a good idea to talk about this with a certified professional.

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Re: I am frustrated and cannot express myself correctly

Post by kamnet » 14 Aug 2019 05:24

Sometimes when you post, you come across as pushy and demanding to others. And, sometimes when you're responding to other people, you come off as being a rude jerk who is inconsiderate of others. And when those people feel like they're being imposed upon or not treated fairly, they get irate and lash out at you for it. I, too, get the feeling that sometimes you're just overwhelmed by other people, and overwhelmed by your lack of experience when trying to work with code.

I would suggest that you try to practice more patience and restraint. i know sometimes it's easy to get defensive especially when somebody else is irritated with you. If you don't feel like you're getting your message across, just step away for a little bit. There's nothing here that is of a critical or time sensitive nature that requires an immediate response. If you'd like, you can even reach out to me and ask my opinion on how you should respond or ask me to monitor a discussion. I'm not available 24/7, but I don't have a problem providing help when asked.

I appreciate that you came forward here and are open to discussion and feedback. I think this will help other people when it comes to their interaction with you.

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Re: I am frustrated and cannot express myself correctly

Post by acs121 » 14 Aug 2019 08:50

Olim wrote:
13 Aug 2019 23:05
Why you just don't kick their sorry butts?
Toxic. You're not toxic. Toxic are waste dumps. You may be mudack (almost obscene word in russian that means rude and egocentric person), but not poisonous. Forget this word for humans. When human is toxic, he's already dead.
We are all have misunderstandings, stupid people think you're stupid when they cannot understand you. Anyway, you also can be stupid, you're living in free country, yes?
In English (or French), a toxic relation is when you maintain a relation that is at your disadvantage. That's all I meant by saying I was toxic.
kamnet wrote:
14 Aug 2019 05:24
Sometimes when you post, you come across as pushy and demanding to others. And, sometimes when you're responding to other people, you come off as being a rude jerk who is inconsiderate of others. And when those people feel like they're being imposed upon or not treated fairly, they get irate and lash out at you for it. I, too, get the feeling that sometimes you're just overwhelmed by other people, and overwhelmed by your lack of experience when trying to work with code.
That's what I was trying to explain in this post. Most of the time even by re-reading my message I think there's nothing wrong with it until someone says something about it. Be it about asking something or responding to other people. Sometimes I just won't say I said something wrong as I hate being ridiculed, but then I persist in what I'm saying and I'm ridiculing myself even more.

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Re: I am frustrated and cannot express myself correctly

Post by mak » 14 Aug 2019 09:16

Hi. First off never had any 'dealings' with you but reading first post, in this topic, I came to the same conclusion as expresso.
If you have not already been to seek help, then I would suggest you do so.
There may not be a problem but it would be good to know, once known then it will not be a problem, just another thing to deal with in our complicated modern lives.
I know of another forum that is owned by a Dyslexic with an Austistic trait as well, he copes very well and does not hide the fact.
As a further suggestion maybe a byline/signature in all your posts stating your 'problems'. If there are any that you wish to share.

Maybe those that criticised, were aggressive, should think a little more, to be perfect must be such a burden.

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Re: I am frustrated and cannot express myself correctly

Post by acs121 » 15 Aug 2019 00:32

So yet two people are convinced that I am autistic. Thing is that I'm still trying to have a correct diagnosis which I should have on 17 August as I tried to have a diagnosis for a very long time now. Also for a long time my friends and other people were continuously convincing me that I am autistic, although I don't even know what the hell that thing is. The only moments where I heard the word "autism" was either in the movie Rain Man, in The Good Doctor or in articles about Greta Thunberg. It may seem either funny, extremely silly, sometimes even lack of culture depending on who's reading this...

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Re: I am frustrated and cannot express myself correctly

Post by kamnet » 15 Aug 2019 02:04

My youngest son is autistic. I'm very familiar with the struggles of raising and trying to communicate with an autistic child. He starts his senior year of high school tomorrow, and is mostly well adjusted. He still has occasional issues in interacting with other people, but he works hard to rise above it and do his best.

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Re: I am frustrated and cannot express myself correctly

Post by Olim » 15 Aug 2019 05:49

If you think, you should go to psychiatrist or better to psychotherapist (not to psychologist or psychoanalyst – they all are swindlers!) to consultate with. Don't believe internet trolls. You can believe only RL trolls. When they want to eat you.

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Re: I am frustrated and cannot express myself correctly

Post by mak » 15 Aug 2019 07:41

Hi acs121

You have done the correct thing by seeking help/diagnosis so the 'problem' will be reduced when you have the knowledge of what may be.

Being in the UK we have the NHS (National Health Service) here is a link to their web site and the definition of Autism.
You may or may not be Autistic but you are on your way to knowing.

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/autism/what-is-autism/

ps. we all make mistakes, I have edited this post three times after noticing them. :roll:

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Re: I am frustrated and cannot express myself correctly

Post by Expresso » 15 Aug 2019 10:23

Acs121. I have autism. I got diagnosed later on in life, but once I had the diagnosis I was offered a lot of help.

So, if it's autism what you have, don't shy away from help. It can be of real help.

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Re: I am frustrated and cannot express myself correctly

Post by acs121 » 15 Aug 2019 10:31

Olim wrote:
15 Aug 2019 05:49
If you think, you should go to psychiatrist or better to psychotherapist (not to psychologist or psychoanalyst – they all are swindlers!) to consultate with. Don't believe internet trolls. You can believe only RL trolls. When they want to eat you.
That's what I did. I don't trust psychologists in general so I tried to obtain a diagnosis from a psychiatrist. It's been about 2 days I went at the consultation now.
mak wrote:
15 Aug 2019 07:41
Hi acs121

You have done the correct thing by seeking help/diagnosis so the 'problem' will be reduced when you have the knowledge of what may be.

Being in the UK we have the NHS (National Health Service) here is a link to their web site and the definition of Autism.
You may or may not be Autistic but you are on your way to knowing.

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/autism/what-is-autism/

ps. we all make mistakes, I have edited this post three times after noticing them. :roll:
Thanks. As far as I read this page, I had nothing like that earlier in my life, or at least I don't remember something like that. I also wanted to convince myself I wasn't autistic because every time I talked with somebody and told him my friends were convinced I was autistic, I had right to be compared to all the autistic people cited above. And I just hate that.

Also, I thought that the study about MMR vaccines causing autism was all bullsh*t, and now NHS, the public health service is saying that it does cause autism ? I don't understand.
Expresso wrote:
15 Aug 2019 10:23
Acs121. I have autism. I got diagnosed later on in life, but once I had the diagnosis I was offered a lot of help.

So, if it's autism what you have, don't shy away from help. It can be of real help.
I wrote my post before you wrote yours, didn't have time to respond. :lol:

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Re: I am frustrated and cannot express myself correctly

Post by mak » 15 Aug 2019 10:59

Hi acs 121

Slight misread there it says MMR does not cause Autism.
Autism is not caused by:

bad parenting
vaccines, such as the MMR vaccine
diet
an infection you can spread to other people

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Re: I am frustrated and cannot express myself correctly

Post by acs121 » 15 Aug 2019 13:41

Dammit, I misread that thing. Ugh. Well at least that's good news that they don't think it's the MMR vaccine. :lol: :roll:

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Re: I am frustrated and cannot express myself correctly

Post by kamnet » 15 Aug 2019 19:03

Autism is genetic. It's not a mutation caused by some external factor introduced by humans. It's nothing to be afraid of. And if you are autistic, that's fine. You can then be put in touch with experts who can help you learn more about it and how to adjust your life so that you're more comfortable.

And don't worry about being compared to somebody else who has autism. It's about you, it's not a competition. You're the only person you have to care about.

Also - don't be afraid to see a psychologist/therapist if that's also suggested. They work hand-in-hand with psychiatrists. Think of them as a medical team who are rehabilitating your brain. The psychiatrist can prescribe medications and give diagnosis. The psychologist is like a physical therapist who regularly helps you exercise your brain and teaches you how to keep it healthy. I visit both regularly and my doctors are wonderful, caring people.

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Re: I am frustrated and cannot express myself correctly

Post by acs121 » 15 Aug 2019 23:19

Well good thing at least that there are some other autistic people too or people that know what it is more than me.
I tried to do researches all the night because as I said I'm getting a diagnosis on Saturday.

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Re: I am frustrated and cannot express myself correctly

Post by SkeedR » 16 Aug 2019 07:57

I've not got a formal diagnosis but I've been told that I'm quite definitely on the autism spectrum by my wife, who works with autistic and special needs kids. Think of that what you will. Fact is, once you know what you're dealing with you can better adjust how you react and act to appear "normal". It can be draining and often you might well feel like you need time to recover, over time though, it should almost become routine and you'll barely even notice you're doing it anymore. If it helps, I have traits from what was known as Aspergers, which isn't a thing anymore apparently. It's all just Autism Spectrum Disorder or something now.
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Re: I am frustrated and cannot express myself correctly

Post by acs121 » 16 Aug 2019 14:07

So I just did researches last night and Autism Spectrum Disorder, as it's translated in French (because it's where I live) as "Troubles du spectre autistique" contain all types of autism but I just don't know all of them and the difference between them, there's Asperger's, Kanner's, atypic and maybe other but I don't remember.
I guess Autism Spectrum Disorder is just the generic name for all autism types ?

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Re: I am frustrated and cannot express myself correctly

Post by SkeedR » 17 Aug 2019 15:26

acs121 wrote:
16 Aug 2019 14:07
So I just did researches last night and Autism Spectrum Disorder, as it's translated in French (because it's where I live) as "Troubles du spectre autistique" contain all types of autism but I just don't know all of them and the difference between them, there's Asperger's, Kanner's, atypic and maybe other but I don't remember.
I guess Autism Spectrum Disorder is just the generic name for all autism types ?
Yes, depending on your diagnosis you'll find you might have a specific set of traits, or you might just end up with a general "ASD" diagnosis. Ignore the child-friendly-ness of the following image, this is a good way to think about how ASD works;
Image

You'll find that you have varying levels of each sector compared to someone else. I can suffer anxiety and feel overwhelmed when around large gatherings for instance, while my wife does not.
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Re: I am frustrated and cannot express myself correctly

Post by Olim » 17 Aug 2019 18:10

Most important what says your therapist, not what you persuade yourself into. Maybe you're just surrounded with jerks, who terrorise you. And, of course, threats in PM are perfect example of forum rules violation, i'm not sure was there something about disclosure of private correspondence (thanks gogl.tr), but anyway, you can show that messages for all. I think, forum can know its heroes (even despite i'm stranger here).

Lyrical disgression
[+] Spoiler
The criminal code of Russian Federation even has article 119, where written: if somebody threats you with murder or beatings, if you have reason to fear this threats, guilty person can go to jail for 2 to 4 years, if his threats motivated by hatred or hostility towards any social group – up to 5 years, or penal servitude a little less period. Of course, this article almost not working, except when somebody threatens government officials, as it was with man who wrote that he want shot more than 20 humans including cops. He got 2 years.

Sorry, i reread your start post, and there was nothing about PM.
I'll leave my message as is because it's too difficult to me with all it copypaste and google.translate.

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